Meditation Defiance

"You know… you should really have a meditative practice"… I cringe every time I hear this advice. I know it's coming from a heartfelt place, but ever since I was a child, I've been notoriously hyper.

I'm a deeply spiritual person, but I can honestly say meditation is NOT the tool that led me to my spirit work.

In fact, sitting still drums up difficult, uncomfortable, and downright traumatizing sensations in my body. If I'm sitting still, it means I'm frozen.
It means I'm inundated with emotional or sensory overwhelm.
It means I'm internally panicking, and even though I am cool, calm, and collected on the outside, all of the mini-me’s are running around in my brain and body, bumping into walls.

The very ideas of meditation and mindfulness leave me rolling my eyes. I think of monks on mountains with closed eyes and straight backs, minds flowing in the ether.... man that sounds boring!

I had to dig deep into my resistance. Why was I so defiant about meditation?! “Everyone” seems to love it except me! Why am I ever the outcast and always the weirdo who can’t simply DO the thing I’m “supposed” to do?

When I sat with my why, I realized how quickly discomfort rises to my chest. Panic spreads through my system, I don’t want to sit still because I was forced to spend most of my childhood there—dissociated and disconnected. Meditation feels like pressure to me, pressure to do something and be someone I can’t be.

Honestly, I've done my time as a monk in previous variations of me…. and I feel complete with it.

However I understand the principle of meditation, as in making room in the mind- body space is important. I just don’t believe the only way to achieve that is through stillness.

I crave movement, art, life. I crave a spiritual practice as deep and poetic as me. I desire sensory input (and output!), which helps inspire me to experience the world in new ways.

Neatly folded legs and arms work for some people, and I trust they are doing the right thing for themselves. But as a traumatized neurodivergent person, I am tired of fighting the natural order of my own body, which is driven by dynamic, ethereal movement.

I meditate when I write.
I meditate when I run.
I meditate in the shower
or when I'm on the floor, stretching into my muscles.
I meditate when I cook.
I meditate doing laundry,
I meditate during archery,
or when I am listening to music in my backyard under the afternoon sun.

And whenever someone tells me, "This isn't real meditation," it compels me further into these untraditional spiritual modalities.

There is no right or wrong way to meditate. There is no one true path to "enlightenment" (I'd argue enlightenment is bullshit anyway, but that seems like a post for another day).

There is only the intuitive movement of my own human experience. And if I want to spend it meditating through movement, I ned to give myself permission to do just that.

So if you are like me, know you are NOT alone. I, too, require movement on my spiritual path. My journey is full of life, dance, art, and poetry. In fact, my best meditative sessions happen when I tell my own brain to shut the fuck up and let my pen lead the way.

It doesn't have to make sense.
That's the point.
It doesn't have to be quiet
because neither is your spirit!

Stillness is not necessary medicine for spiritual growth… and spiritual growth is NOT limited to stillness.

So find your meditation through movement and release your expectations of perfection. This is your damn journey, and you are allowed to navigate the spirit map in a way that fits your life!

~ Robin Korejko