Absent Mind, Present Soul

When I was a kid I forgot EVERYTHING...
books, homework, uniforms, chores, my own name…
I learned quickly it was an undesirable trait
To forget …

Shame would...
Flood my cheek while terror ripped through my chest.
I didn’t want to be forgetful,
But I didn’t know how to remember.

How was it so easy for people to remember?
There’s so much information to hold!
It became evident, the state of my memory, the way my brain functioned…

I was broken somehow.

The truth is my head is and has always been busy....
With how to process proper social nuances,
With daydreaming and dynamic problem solving
With class information
…And teachers voices
…And coaches commands
…And friends needs
…And family secrets
And rumors,
And heart ache…
And more....

My way of processing these events was never welcome.
There was no room for forgiveness for the invisible assault of an absent mind.
It was so much for me, all the time..

But somehow it was more disruptive to the people around me.

So many voices
So many people
So many feelings
So many discomforts
My brain was nearly always full

And no one seemed to noticed,
the ways it took me out.

The only thing they noticed
Was the way it inconvenienced them.

I’d forget, seemingly basic things.

I lived in fear of the moments my brain would “get me into trouble”
Fearful to see authoritative figures from home to my classroom,
hated to be reminded
My brain works differently than everyone else’s..

Then I’d obsess over my worries,
Were others just better at remembering?
Did they feel burdened like I do?
Why does it seem so much easier for others?
I bullied myself over my scrambled brain.

I was wise, but not smart.

I was trying,
But not hard enough.

My senses and emotions were full of rich information, which went unrecognized,
I was intelligent in a way that didn’t show up in the places that “counted”.

It took me years to embrace my brain as a “gift”,
And trust the way I process information was just right for me,
to convince myself my mind was beautiful.

There was no test score could measure the amount of compassion in my heart,
No obvious value in my abilities.
No proof what I carried in me was worthy of being expressed.

So I had to believe on my own,

I had to dig in deep and remind myself my inner truth was outer beauty too ,
That how I communicated the thoughts and ideas inside of me was not only “okay” but it was interesting and exciting.

…….

Your mind is extraordinary.
What you think about,
the WAY you think about things is no accident.
You’re a journeyman who desires to learn more than what sits on the surface.
You dive into the depths of your own inner self in order to heal. And that isn’t just okay it’s fucking brilliant.

So be forgetful because that means you’re remembering your humanity.

Be “flighty” because it means you’re unEarthing worldly treasures.

Be a drifter,

a wanderer,

a voyager,

An impulsive risk taker ..

your physical body may trip over the stars scattered in the space between your bed and the dresser,
but that is because your mind is gracefully dancing through the darkness in order to influence big changes in your life.

Give yourself permission to be “absent minded” because it means you are present in your soul.
Show the world there is more than one way to think.

Dare to be a dreamer.

You and your magical mind are a gift.

I love you,
Robin